Hard Thanksgiving

I am distracted. I look at other's lives and mourn my own. 

I am abundantly blessed. One thing I would change if I could is my past. My past choices. I mourn them. And in that mourning I suffer now. 

"But God can make good out of them!"

Yes but how much better would it be had I been obedient?? SO MUCH BETTER!

I don't even completely understand them. It wasn't All wickedness, selfishness and evil. It's all very confusing. 

I confess, I see a lot of young people around me right now, and I'm so excited for them. They are striving for the Lord and making good choices. I realize they are doing what I wish I had done, they are who I wanted to be in my ideal. I can't pretend the past isn't there, I can't pretend I'm not 10-20 years older then these guys. I can't pretend. . .but I try to sometimes. That's where I get stuck in fantasyland. Dreaming I'm just as young and innocent, and then it all comes crashing down, praise God. 

I could ask, "Why Lord? Why did you let me stray?"

"To teach you."

"But couldn't I have learned another way?"

"No."

Truth is sharp.

I put on a shiny face at church, just what I despise, and hope I get to stay. That my past and those consequences of it won't kick me out or show too much or look to weird or be unpresentable. I get to take it off at worship time cause it's dark. Praise God for the dark that is light to Him.

Lots of people have "stumbled" later in life so I never quite feel safe. 

"Watch out! It could happen at any time! Be ready!"

I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be away from the Lord. That is a lost, desolate, gnawing way to live. And as hard and scary as this is, that is a grave, there is no life there. Big difference.

I want to encourage these young guys, to love them, to Yell at them. "Keep Going!" "Don't Give Up!" "Don't look to ANYTHING but the LORD!" Like a scorched person running from a fire. . .

I read a portion of one thousand gifts by Ann Voskamp this morning. She writes, "I know a neighboring Mennonite woman folding away the clothes of her dead son, and I sit in a room full of the battered and busted and I lament: Please. An He takes the empty hands and draws me close to the thrum of Love. [Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matt 5:4 NIV)] You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn't everything that belongs to Christ also yours? Loved ones lost still belong to Him - then aren't they still yours? Do I not own the cattle on a thousand hills; everything? Aren't then all provisions in Christ also yours? If you haven't lost Christ, child, nothing is ever lost. Remember, 'through many tribulations we must enter the Kingdom of God.' (Acts 14:22 NASB) The dark can give birth to life; suffering can deliver grace. If all the work of transfiguring the ugly into the beautiful pleases God, it is a work of beauty. Is there anything in this world that is truly ugly? That is curse? Can I believe the gospel, that God is patiently transfiguring all the notes of my life into the song of His Son?" She calls this the hard thanksgiving. Thanking God for things that I would call "just wrong".

So I thank Him with my lips and faith, praying my heart will follow.

Thank you Lord for the lost years. That are not lost to you. Thank you that I am 34 and not 24 (and with this I sob, and mourn, and let go, and keep going). Thank you for redeeming my life, my past and future. Thank you for where you are taking us. Thank you for now. Thank you that I can't trust in anyone but you, it's scary but I thank you...

And then, in the midst of choking thankfulness I remember. God has got me. And HE is trustworthy. Matt Chandler said, "God is holding us in the gospel. We'll persevere through this world and all it's brokenness and futile attempts at satisfaction, not because of our own strength but because of God's commitment and power to finish in us what He started."

I am wide awake and exhausted. Everyone in the house is sleeping, even the cat. I am thankful for this silent marathon.

When I try to handle my issues myself without expressing them, presenting them. . .(man those words make it all sounds so neat and tidy) vomiting them (better) before the Lord. I sin more.

I don't know how it works, I don't know why. It's scary trusting God, I want to keep my life and internal messes in-house. . .it seems safer, when it's really not. Trust the Lord, trust Him to show you what's wrong and to help you in it. Trust Him with your past, that is in his hands. Trust Him with right now, where he is sitting with you. And your future that is no surprise to Him. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do Not lean on your own undertstanding; in all of your ways submit to Him and he will make your path straight. (Prov 3:5-6)