The One Where I Am the Bad Guy

I have enjoyed creating, painting, drawing, and inspiring, since I was small. My carrots would talk to each other constantly on my dinner plate. My Mom would regularly wake in the morning to find pieces of art from midnight drawing sessions and an unresponsive, exhausted daughter. I so often want all my friends to join in with me on whatever I am into to cheer each other along the way, whether they want to or not. Though I admit, when I was little I also enjoyed holding hands, singing made up songs, and making strange concoctions in the backyard with mud, leaves and the occasional snail shell or whatever else I could find. But the creating and inspiring stuck with me. I still really enjoy them. Often my notes from work-meetings and sermons look more like coloring books then anything useful. But creating and inspiring brings depth, focus, and expression to my life and I desperately miss them when I don’t do them. And you know? I don’t do them often. They don’t happen. Lots of not happening. So who’s been stopping me?
Well, let me tell you about it.
One day, I was kidnapped by an evil witch. She locked me in a tower and surrounded me with boring-ness. I literally just barely escaped with my life. Phew, glad that’s over.
No? OK how about this one.
I’ve been floating around outer-space in a cryogenic frozen box for 200 years with my other 72 artist friends because we wanted to take over the galaxy in the name of Crayola. Yeah, it didn’t work so, it’s been cold.
No? I know, that was a stretch.
No. Of course not. I stop myself. Actually I am the evil witch; I am the frozen box; I am the tower. I am the bad guy in this story.
The self-criticism in my mind says, “Well you’re not very good.” Or, “You know you’re like a kid who wants their parents to put the picture on the fridge. They humor you, but it’s really all very silly.” And, “You should really let the people who are good at these things do it.” Or the real kicker: "Stop just trying to get attention.” Do you have these voices too about something you love? They really hurt the most.
Well I typically believe them. And I stop myself from trying. I get my drawing stuff out, work on it, then quickly put it away disgusted. I’ll share it a little then stop, for days, months, or years. I talk to people about things I’m excited about, want to share with them, inspire them, then silence myself, deciding that I sound ridiculous and crazy, or worse…creepy.
But it’s time. It’s time to either stand up. Or give up. This starting and stopping IS crazy. The self-criticism has to stop. I’m learning that it’s not from God at all. He made us this way, good or not, talented or not, he gave us desires to do things that we Can do. If only we’d just stand behind them. But it’s a tangible choice. I have to choose to stand. We have to choose to stand.
Or give up. We can head back into our tower and call ourselves mean names. We can get back in our frozen box and paralyze ourselves with fear.  But I’ve decided, today, that I’m done being the evil witch in my own story. I’m going to stand. I’m standing.
I’m standing
…crying, but standing.
Want to stand too? We could hold hands…