I have fought and given up the battle to quit smoking for some time now...I quit, then some stressful situation in my life will come up and I'll start again. For example, I might walk out of my house and sneeze...I mean that's like a near death experience right there, what if I didn't survive the sneeze?! OK it isn't really that bad, but I use smoking...as an excuse to get out of an uncomfortable conversation, a break from the day, and numbing agent when I'm not liking what I am feeling, a calming agent when I'm getting worked up, a chance to clear my mind, a weight loss assistant, friend when the night gets late and I feel alone, and probably much more. I have been convicted about quitting several times, asked for prayer, help, tried Nicorette, candy, telling everyone, telling no one, any trick I could think of, but what it comes down to is...
I don't really want to quit. I like the idea of quitting, I like the idea that I might not at some point in my future smell like an ashtray, maybe someday I'll smell like lavender or bubble gum (two of my favorite scents). I also like the idea that someday I may be able to have a lung capacity which allows me to ride my bike without wheezing, after a block. But that is not good enough. I mean I also like the idea of having buns of steel but you don't see me doing butt crunches as I sit at my desk work. Now that I just typed that I started doing them and they are making me giggle...ANYWAYS.
The only way to quit smoking is to want to, or die. Well I don't want to.
So I'll smoke till I die.
Yes I said die. Because if I don't quit, I will die...smoking will kill me...
I'm serious. I already had asthma problems growing up. What? You think I'm overreacting? Or do you know its true too? I can already feel the cough starting. You know the smokers cough? Yeah, I got that. I walk into my apartment and it smells stale. I don't even smoke inside, but it still hangs in the air.
It makes me sad. I try not to, but I do end up picturing Nate, Nick, Lucy, Ella standing there. The kids that I love so much. The ones I pray for daily and so desire to watch grow up! I don't want to miss a thing in their life! I can picture them standing at my Memorial Service, just not understanding why I would do such a thing. Why would I try so hard to guide them in the right way, and then make such a foolish decision myself. Thats what I thought when I was at my Grandma's funeral. Why didn't she just quit? Why didn't she want to enough?
I talked to a friend about this last night. I want to want to stop smoking. That's where I have to start, right? We talked about a lot, how the old self, our flesh, was crucified with Christ and now we are likewise living through Him. Yada yada yada, yeah I get it, I think. We are to live our lives in this truth...that we were dead but aren't anymore. So why did we die in the first place? Sin...sin killed us, sin killes all of us.
I am to live as if smoking already killed me.
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
I can be freed from smoking, not because this life is easier, not because I am a good person (HAHAHAHAHA) , but because I already died, buts its OK...even though I'm dead we already won! I never again have to wonder if I am going to die from cancer. I already know, YES smoking killed me, but I now live in Christ.
I realize this is really abstract, but when I heard that last night I cried for a good 15 minutes. It's like it cut out all of the other excuses, true or not, that I'd been feeding myself about how hard it is to quit and how I'll quit when I'm ready and how I'm just not strong enough, etc. It didn't matter how strong I AM, I'm dead. Died of Lung Cancer, died of Selfishness, died of Immorality, etc. But in the NEW life I live through Christ, and He don't smoke Marlboro's!
I no longer live- but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live for Christ who loves me & gave himself up for me! Gal 2:20
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Is it really true? Smoking officially killed me about 18 hours ago, my new life smells quite nice.
5 comments:
We are not slaves to sin and He always provides a way of escape, because "no temptation has seized us but that which is common to man." Yet sometimes we live as though we are defeated. I've never experienced a curiosity to smoke, but I have other battles that, though less visible, are just as detrimental to my spiritual life.
I don't want you to cough when you're riding your bike or lose your beautiful singing voice or risk your health, but I know how hard it can be to give up this habit and only God's grace will be sufficient. I will be praying for you, friend.
Thank you so much for your ability to be open with your struggles and to share so honestly. I admire that.
Thank you so much my friend!
Oh, sweet dearest Kristy!!!
Thank you for being so incredibly vulnerable here. I just love you!!! And I am so challenged by your realness (I think I just made up that word!). I think it's so important as members of the body of Christ to be real with our struggles... who are we fooling that we are perfect anyway? :)
I LOVED what you said about being dead... it's so true. We WERE dead in our sin... and were/are so easily held captive by sin and enticements. But praise God we are FREE!!! Free to live a new life...and life abundantly! I am so blessed by what you said and by where God has taken you in this. To admit that you have to WANT to change ... that is huge. And I will pray that for you... we all have our controlling vices, my dear. Some are just less obvious than others. And others are so easily excused (what is it called again..."respectable sins"???) I love you so much.
P.S. I love how you said Jesus "don't smoke Marlboro's"!!! :)
OH Vanessa, Your comment made me cry, in a very good way! Thank you for being such an amazing encouragement to me. It's incredible the impact you have on my life, your words mean so much!
Okay, so I went and read it--the curiosity was killing me after we talked today! I guess you don't have to print it out and send it to me after all.
I want you to know how incredibly proud of you I am, and how much of a blessing it is to be able to see into your life in this way. You have come through so much in the last few years, and I love that you are allowing God to work in your life. Because I firmly believe, as the other girls said, that we all have our struggles, but as much as we can understand why you don't want to quit, we sincerely applaud you for doing so! It gives me more courage to tackle some of the things I've been pushing aside in my life as well. Today is a perfect day for some housecleaning. Thank you for your transparency and for walking the path in front of you even when it's hard or it means sacrifice. I know God always blesses that.
I love you.
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